a farewell to binkies, part 1

I say Part 1 because there will inevitably be a Part 2, if not more. As many of you know, Eleanor is a binkie lover. Or at least, she was, until today.

We know that 3 is pretty old to still have a binkie, even if it is just at sleep time, but we wanted to wait until after our move to do anything decisive. And a few weeks ago, we were all geared up for the Binkie Fairy - you know, that famed fairy of childhood lore who comes in the night to take your old binkie and leaves in its place a wonderful, fabulous new toy?

I felt a bit manipulative telling this to Eleanor, but it really caught her fancy and, after a few days' deliberation, she spontaneously decided what her Binkie Fairy prize would be: a Sleeping Beauty dress. Easy enough! I'm sure the Binky Fairy has tons and tons of Disney princess dresses. So we procured the dress, gritted our teeth, and.... Eleanor got sick. For two weeks. By the time she was well enough to proceed, we had my brother's family coming in a few days, so we just shelved the idea for a while.

Yesterday, as I was starting the dishwasher, I decided to toss the binkie in as well. And, somehow, during the cycle - perhaps guided by the hands of fate! - the binkie came loose from it's hook and found it's way to the heating element. The handle completely melted off. I was surprised at my horror when I discovered it. I had secretly been hoping every time I put it in the dishwasher that the tired old thing would just deteriorate and I could genuinely console a sad Nora without having the bear any blame. But I was horrified. What if it had melted something important?! I dug it out with the tongs and thanked my lucky stars that nothing worse had happened.

That night we had to gently talk to Eleanor about what had happened to her little friend. It had an accident, it was getting old anyway, etc. She was a little fretful, tried it out a few times and seemed to accept that it still worked. I felt terrible. I had intended to go cold turkey, not by slow mutilation.

This morning as she was getting dressed, she grabbed her binkie and looked at it for a few minutes. "It's broken. I'm going to put it in the garbage." I was speechless. I asked her if she was ready to sleep without it like a big girl and she told me she could sleep with just her blankie. And without another moment's consideration, she made a beeline out of her bedroom to the kitchen. I was so shocked, I just sat there on her bed, but I could hear the kitchen garbage lid slam down and her little feet padding back down the hall way. She was pretty excited about it and talked about it nonstop for maybe 15 minutes. She was excited to be big, she was excited to sleep without it, she was excited for the Binkie Fairy who would now inevitably come.

Jared came in part way through this and was just as shocked as I was. As soon as Nora turned her back, I burst into tears. I asked Jared to take the binkie out of the kitchen trash can and put it out in the dumpster, anywhere but somewhere where either Eleanor or me could change our minds. I'm so worried that she will have second thoughts when naptime or bedtime roll around and I will give in to her tearful pleading.

I'm really excited for her to be moving on and especially that she decided it for herself without us coaxing her into it. But I'm worried for how she will deal with the loss of something that has brought her so much comfort since she was just a teeny one. I'm worried about how she will sleep tonight, but not as much as I was before - the move bumped her out of her baby sleeping habits, anyway, so that's one less thing to mourn. I'm worried that in my precarious pregnant emotional state I will see too much significance in losing this last vestige of Nora's babyhood. But mostly it will turn out for the best. And no more binkie, right?

It's nap/rest time right now, so I'm going to suggest it to Eleanor and see how it goes. Wish me luck. And pray for us tonight. Have a safe trip, Binkie Fairy!